Marine Corps Moms: Planning for homecoming

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February 23, 2005

Planning for homecoming

For some families, the countdown to our Marine's homecoming is almost in single digits. Almost. Others are just starting the adventure, but the focus for each of us is the same - our son, daughter, husband, wife, brother, sister stepping off the bus and into our waiting arms.

The anticipation can overwhelm the reality and it's good to know what to expect. Chaplain Benson with the CSSB-7 has these words of wisdom, primarily for spouses but they apply to parents as well.

Principles to live by in reuniting:

Change happens
Your Marine or Sailor has changed to a greater or lesser extent. They have been given responsibility and placed in demanding situations in a combat environment. During the past six months, you have also changed. You have been through experiences that have effected you and changed you. The good news is that change doesn�t have to be bad! It may be a positive force in your relationship if you are open to it. It will be easier to reunite if you accept that things may be different.

Go slow
You may be tempted to want to make up for lost time, but those who have been through this process consistently say it is best to take it slow. Take time to become reacquainted and renew the emotional bonds. This is especially true for those with children. Small children may react with shyness or fear at the return of your Marine or Sailor. Try not to pressure the child to react a certain way, but let your child warm up to your loved one�s return on his or her own time. For spouses, those who have been in your shoes recommend going slow with physical intimacy. Remember that intimate relationships may be awkward at first, and it is wise to tone down your fantasies � reality may be quite different! It is also a good idea to let the person returning set the pace on social and family activities. They may not be ready for a large family reunion right after getting off the plane. Be sure to talk about any planned visits from extended family with your returning Marine or Sailor to make sure you are on the same sheet of music.

Communication is the key
Talk with each other about your experiences, but avoid the �Who Had It Worse� game. No one wins that one! You each have had challenges and hardships as well as achievements and accomplishments. Communicate openly with your partner and family in healthy ways. Speaking the truth with love is the best way to successfully reunite with your loved one.

Use help
If you find that you or your Marine or Sailor is struggling with this process, use the help that is available. On base there are Chaplains and Family Service centers that offer a variety of help. If you aren�t near a base, make use of community resources, Veteran Affairs, churches, family and friends. Don�t be afraid to ask for help early instead of letting things get worse. You aren�t alone!

You can have a joyful and successful return and reunion with your loved ones! A little thought and discussion can take you a long way. Once again, I want to thank you for your support and efforts to care for your Marine or Sailor in Iraq! Your efforts have made a difference for us! Personally, I would like to say that it has been an honor and privilege to work with the men and women of CSSB7. You can be proud of them and they way they have represented our nation in this place.

May God bless you!

When my son came home from OIF1 in October 2003, he had served in a relatively safe place. Najaf was a holy city and the people there loved the Marines. When my son stood guard, men from the city would bring their chairs and sit with the Marines as a show of solidarity and support. When 1/7 left Najaf to return home, citizens lined the streets as the convoy left town. Many wept.

So, when he stepped off the bus, he was happy to be home and his stress level was relatively low. I didn't know what to expect so I didn't make any plans beyond that first hug. After the company had a brief formation and were released to their anxious families, we walked up the hill to his new home in the barracks. The boxes of belongings that he'd left in storage prior to deployment were waiting for him and, like a Marine, he attended to business. Each box was unpacked and his belongings stowed in the available storage space. On the inside flap of each box was a handwritten scrawl, "I love you Mom". As he unpacked, he explained that if he didn't come back, he wanted me to know that. And, he didn't understand why I cried. I still have those pieces of cardboard - they're in his baby book with tiny inked footprints and a lock of hair from his first haircut.

After he'd finished his on base business, he told me he'd like to visit Los Angeles, so we headed west. When we hit the city limits, it was after midnight and we found the nearest In-N-Out Burger - there's nothing like that in Iraq. The reverse culture shock was significant; we walked in at the same time a performing group tour bus pulled in. Shane looked at the musicians spilling from the bus - blue hair, amazing clothes, rapping and clapping - and muttered, "I want to go back to Iraq".

Over the next few days, he adjusted to his return home. Having choices was a novelty. I learned very quickly that when we went into a restaurant that he would order everything that he'd missed while deployed, but eat just a few bites. Not a problem. It was good to see him satisfied and I didn't order for myself - instead, I ate what he couldn't. He thought he might like to go to Disneyland, so we checked into a hotel across the street from the main gate. Although we walked around the Downtown Disney part, we didn't go in the parks. Choices. He had spent the last seven months following a very regimented lifestyle. Now, he was home and the variety of options was disorienting. So, he set the pace and by the end of three days, he was somewhat back to normal.

This time will be different. His company has been in a volatile area for seven months and they've seen significant action. Again, I'm not making any plans past that first hug - he'll set the pace and I'll accomodate him. He thinks he wants to go to Vegas and I'm looking forward to that 220 mile drive. 4 hours of reconnecting as a family is going to be a very short trip.

Posted by Deb at February 23, 2005 01:11 AM

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Comments

You are a great mom Deb. I am so happy for you that your Marine will soon be home. Your story will help other families be more understanding to their Marines as they return home.
With love,
Veronica

Posted by: Veronica at February 23, 2005 06:54 AM

My son also returned the 1st time in Oct 2003, & I really agree with Deb I think it is going to be different this time....they were in a different place from last time & they have lost some brothers this time.

p.s. Deb we need to hookup again at Homecoming!!

Posted by: Jackie at February 23, 2005 11:31 PM

Dearest Deb,
Thak yo for sharing your insights on your homecomings. Even after doing this for all these years homecomings are always fun. I look forward to being there with my camera when Shane comes home. Road trip...Take care. God Bles alour Marines,sailors and soldiers.I will scatter rose petals all over the room and my Marine probably will roll his eyes..
Mary Helen

Posted by: Mary Helen Bartch at February 24, 2005 01:07 AM

Allot of differences this time around. The first will be their physical condition. It took Da Grunt about a month to recoup after this last deployment. He had a laundry list of dings that included loss of color recognition from night vision, loss of hearing (permanent) in his right ear from an RPG attack, some kind of bacteria crud that seems to eat the flesh, different muscle mass, etc., etc., etc. Every Marine in his Plt had some kind of dings to deal with. These types of things work themselves out with R&R.

Mentally he was OK. Well, at first anyway. The first Battle of Fallujah was intense and some things worked on him fairly hard but they didn't manifest for a couple of weeks. I imagine the battles y'all's BN fought through were just as intense. Late night talks and just simple understanding during his 30 day helped allot. Didn't sleep allot after the first couple of days and ate everything in sight for awhile. Also withdrew from public places after awhile and spent more time with one or two friends. Didn't much care for crowds after the initial party stage wore off. His staying in contact with his brother Marines helped more than anything. It's really not something we can help out with except not to allow any type of disrespect or anger at home. Same rules as you've always had and that stability helps tremendously. They are a bit short and quick on the trigger for awhile but that too passed. It will be a major adjustment this time around. I think the first time through things just went so fast that it really didn't hit them as hard.

These new deployments are totally different and the stress level is through the roof. While they are together facing everything it doesn't seem to be a problem. They've got their buds and it's something shared. When they get home they are surrounded by people that don't understand and haven't been there done that. Including their re-acclimation to base life surrounded by POGs and regs they have to get used to all over again.

From what I can tell it takes really about a full two months to re-acclimate to everything. It's a bumpy road for awhile although not anywhere near what I thought it would be. Their training seems to have prepared them for a good deal and then they've got that perverse Grunt sense of humor thing going for them also. Once they open up they seem fine. But when they do you may not want to know, especially if you are squeamish! It's more of a dad/son thing then a mom/son thing. Which is a good thing! You'll have to trust me on that one! ;-)

Just watch out for intense relationships! More like whirlwinds!!! BN wide! If you're lucky you may even get to meet her! LOL! :-o

Just some observations. Your Marine and mileage may vary! :-)

Posted by: JarheadDad at February 24, 2005 01:23 PM

LOL, thanks Watt. That's just what a mom needs to hear. We just get to worry in a different direction, eh? :-)

Deb

Posted by: Deb at February 24, 2005 01:58 PM

he-he! You're welcome! :-o

Then you get the target dates for the next deployment! (early summer) Deja vu all over again! I am greying well! ;-)

I wonder what the record for OPTEMPO is in the Corps? Those WWII, Korea, and Nam Marines had it rougher probably. Although this WoT is rough in a different way I guess. Less moisture anyway! :~)

It's truly amazing how resilient these guys are. They come home "rode hard and put up wet" and bounce back so fast it's incredible!

They take training the Marines going over rather personal as well. Intense would be a better word. It is serious business with them. Fitting back into base life was probably the hardest thing they had to do. Once they got back and were given jobs it went fairly smoothly. Senior Marines garner a certain respect and they fall back on their Corps values rapidly although they seem to have little patience for the POGs that they once had. Jury's still out on that one as to whether that is a good thing or not! :-o

Just call me a ray of sunshine! heh!

Posted by: JarheadDad at February 24, 2005 02:24 PM

Jarhead Dad.....I don't think those'talks' are just for dads/sons. My son and I are very close and when he is ready he tells me his stories.
The alone time we had last year riding to San Diego was the most he talked the whole time. About what he had been through anyway.
Yes this time is a whole lot different, and I am ready to listen to whatever he wants to tell me. But then I am not squeamish. Hey We Moms gave birth and raised these Marines.......we can handle it.......
Anxious for next Month. We are prepared to deal with whatever comes.....they will be home, thats what matters......hugs to all

Posted by: ginger at February 25, 2005 04:43 AM

Good luck to you all and best wishes for a happy reunion. I know your guys went through hell and back. Love em and hug em. I hope they can make a speedy and happy transition.

Posted by: Sandy A at February 25, 2005 11:06 PM