« We are just Marines and that Is what we do | Main | Honoring past sacrifices »
March 14, 2007
Things NOT to say to a deployed spouse or parent
Carrie sent along this link to Rebekah Sanderlin's thoughts on the ten worst things you can say to a military wife whose husband is deployed. Cassandra at Villainous Company is adding her thoughts - do check it out - but parents of deployed troops have their own take on thoughtless remarks made by people who speak before reflecting.
Obviously, there are differences between military spouses and military parents. Either life has its challenges. However, parents are drafted - there's nothing in any guide to raising children that addresses the day you send your precious son off to war. Both parents and spouses need support. Unfortunately, well meaning and otherwise intelligent people make this type of observation all too often. Here, side by side is Rebekah's list and my own markedly similar list that I've kept in my head during my son's three deployments.
Rebekah's list of the worst things you can say to a woman whose husband is deployed | Deb's list of the worst things you can say to a parent whose son or daughter is deployed |
| "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?" This one ranks in at number one on my "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds - but thanks, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.) | "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?" Yes, thank you so much for mentioning it, asshat. It's a constant unrelenting fear for any parent with a child deployed in a war zone. My heart skipped a beat every time there was a knock at the door and I checked the driveway to make sure there wasn't a car with government plates in the spot where my son used to park . The first time I heard this question, I was sitting in a dentist chair and the dentist was making conversation. We rescheduled the procedure - it's hard to examine a patient with tears running down her face. The dentist felt terrible and he should have - it was an idiotic question. |
| "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it." Though this is really annoying, I feel bad about mentioning it because I know that it is intended to be a compliment. Still, it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked/told to take on a challenging job and we rose to the challenge.) | "Why did you let him join?" What makes you think I could stop him? Our adult children choose to be Marines. It may not be our choice for our child, but they are grown up and capable of making up their own mind about their future. All we can do is support them. And, there is a certain perverse thrill, when that same friend who just admitted that she didn't think she could cope as a military parent realizes that her son aspires to be a shift manager at Burger King, while my son is rebuilding a nation and rescuing innocents from tyranny. Plus, he gets to drive big machines and blow things up - things near and dear to every young man's heart. |
| "At least he's not in Iraq." This is the number one most annoying comment for my friends whose husbands are in Afghanistan. As one friend put it, "What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? A huge game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there, too." | "He's in Iraq? I'm sorry." This comment, while meant to be helpful, was infuriating. My son was doing exactly what he wanted to do. This faux sympathy, however well meant, denigrated his firm belief that he was making a difference. The first few times I heard this, I pasted on a smile and thanked them. After that, I asked them, "Sorry for what?" It gave me an opportunity to explain that my son was making a positive difference in the world, to show them pictures of him with the Iraqi Army soldiers that he was tasked with training, and playing with children who dreamed of growing up in a world free from strife. |
| "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?" Don't you watch the news? No. They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again. | "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/wedding/family reunion, etc?" This isn't summer camp. He doesn't get to come home until his deployment is over. When my son was in Iraq during Christmas 2004, it was the first time he'd ever been away. Christmas was a major celebration in our family and it was very difficult. I spent that holiday with my parents and brother's family - and prayed that I'd get through it with my composure intact. The first thing my dad asked me on Christmas morning was "Do you realize this is the first time Shane hasn't been here?" Yes, I did realize that - in fact it's all what I'd been thinking about and why I hadn't slept the last night. Of course, I didn't say that - he wasn't trying to hurt me and he was dealing with his own emotions. So I went in the bathroom, cried, splashed cold water, and came back out with my game face on. I can usually keep my composure. Major holidays are different. I did get through the day, but every time someone commented on how much they missed Shane, I went back in the bathroom, cried, splashed cold water, and came back out with my game face on. Marine Moms are like that. And that night, when he was able to get a call out to me, it was the best gift I'd ever had, apart from the day he was born. |
| "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?" Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored. | "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?" I have a full time job, plus I keep checking CNN and FOX News for updates, read the milblogs, check my Google news alerts, check in with my online support groups, stand in line every day at the Post Office with packages and letters, and help support other parents with this web site. Oh, and find other parents who are just as worried about their kids as I am, and work with them to support our deployed troops. In the past three years, with the help of other milbloggers and some amazing folks all over the country, Connie Riecke and I have coordinated the mailing of 5 tons of school supplies to kids in Iraq, sent over 35,000 filled Christmas stockings plus several tons of holiday gifts and food to troops deployed over Christmas, and a number of other projects. Did I mention that we both work full time? We don't have a problem staying busy. Trust me on that. |
| "How much longer does he have until he can get out?" This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because (gasp!) they love what they do. | "How much longer does he have until he can get out?" The Marine Corps is not an institution that my son was trying to escape from. In fact, he extended his enlistment so that he would not have to return early from his third deployment. |
| "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it." Sure, we do learn coping skills. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets easy and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away. | "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it." Just how do you get used to sending your son off to war? Again, it's not like summer camp. There are bombs, bullets, and some very bad people who are bent on killing. My son, and others like him, are the barrier that keeps them from coming here and trying to kill us. It's not exactly conducive to easy sleeping. We learn coping skills. We never get used to it. |
| "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through." This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a one-year deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious trip length difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for comparing a combat deployment to a business trip. | "My son/daughter left for college last week. I totally know what you're going through." If you want to walk away with your ego intact, do not say this to a parent whose child has just deployed. Your child isn't checking for IEDs while driving to parties off campus. There are no snipers taking aim from the 4th floor of the admin building. He gets to come home for weekends and holidays. He has a dorm room instead of a poncho liner and fighting hole. He can call out for pizza. He can sleep in or skip a class. He has choices. Do not make this comparison. Ever. |
| "Don't you miss him?" Like number one, this one gets a big "duh" from me. Of course we miss our husbands. If we didn't, we'd get divorced. | "Don't you miss him?" Echoing Rebekah's "duh". We live for 2 minute phone calls and brief e-mails that read, "Hey mom, I'm alive." We sleep with our cell phones in hand. My students knew that if my son called during class that they were on break until he was done talking, whether it was 2 minutes or 20. |
| "Where is that?" I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for six and a half years and at war in Iraq for four years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day - and on maps everywhere. You've had time to learn it. Do your part by at least knowing what is going on | "Where is that?" If you don't know by know, you seriously need a cluebat upside your head. And I'll volunteer to swing it. |
Posted by Deb at March 14, 2007 08:20 AM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.marinecorpsmoms.com/mt-tb.cgi/900
Comments
I need to apologize to both you ladies, and I'm afraid others as well for saying things similar to #2 on your list. But I have been in awe of the strength shown by the Marine Moms I have met, I know it is born of necessity, but awesome nonetheless. My heartfelt apologies and thanks, I would never ever want to say anything hurtful to you and now I know better.
Posted by: Anita at March 17, 2007 12:04 PM
Please tell me about camp legeune
Posted by: julia at April 26, 2007 03:18 PM